"Weapons of Math Instruction"

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a

public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession

of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a

morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the

man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the

FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by

means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute

value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as

"unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the

axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As the Greek philanderer

Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us

to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers

and toes. I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is

intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us

with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every

sphere of influence." The President continued, saying, "Under the

circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the

line." Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to

decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become

exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse.

Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though the Al-Gebrists continue to

multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their

necks."